Understanding The Difference Between Loneliness vs. Being Alone

In our highly social culture, it’s typical for us to flat out reject the idea of spending time solo. We assume that alone time means that we are anti-social, unwanted, or even unloveable. Essentially, we confuse spending time alone with loneliness, although there is a marked difference. Loneliness is finding ourselves alone when we crave company while being alone is an active choice for solitude. And even with this distinction, the thought of alone time can feel intimidating or provoke anxiety because it requires us to rely solely on ourselves to create a stimulating experience without the help of others. Learning how to work through these fears is essential to growth because spending time alone has wide-ranging benefits, including the following.

Space for Reflection

Solitude serves as a hotbed for reflection. Being alone, free of social distractions invites the freedom for our thoughts to roam and time for our minds to wander. As we turn our focus inwards, we are better able to get to know ourselves--to discover and appreciate our own thoughts and feelings. This is especially important because we are constantly demanded to read and cater to the thoughts and needs of others, so much so that we may lose touch with our own. And in doing so, we lose touch with who we truly are. Self-reflection forces us to explore and learn what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what energizes us, and what depletes us. Gaining this deeper perspective gives us a better sense of ourselves, our emotions, and our interests. As a result, self-doubt gradually diminishes, inviting us to trust our guts, engage in our true passions, and make our own decisions with confidence.

Recharge Recognition

Alone time creates a harmonious cycle of both processing and decompressing. By exercising the muscle of self-reflection while solo, we become more in tune with our emotional and physical needs. Most importantly, we become better equipped for recognizing and acting on when we are in dire need of recharging our batteries. While we continue to see time with others as gratifying, alone time compels us to acknowledge that social interaction requires a great deal of energy in filling up the cups of others, which can lead us to exhaustion, exasperation, and a habit of neglecting to fill up our own cups. These results prime us to ignore our own needs and prevent us from regulating our emotions in a healthy manner. From this recognition, we come to appreciate the need and the value of “me time” and set concerted intentions to replenish. And in doing so, we make a habit of avoiding the escalation of stress, the mismanagement of emotions, and ultimately, we prevent burn-outs, blow-ups, or break-downs. 

Improvement of Social Relationships

When we fear loneliness and associate it with alone time, we may go to great lengths in order to avoid it. By running away from the opportunity to build a healthy relationship with ourselves, we are more likely to fail in constructively assessing our social circle and experiences. Amidst our desperate need to be in the presence of others, we may lower our standards for relationships and place unrealistic expectations on our loved ones. Without knowing ourselves, we may depend on partners or friends to “fix” our self-doubt when confronted with decisions big and small. We assume that they know better and follow their lead in telling us how to think, feel, and act. This can be dangerous if the responsibility lands in the hands of someone who does not have our best interest at heart. Alternatively, when we are intentional with our alone time, we develop a clearer sense of our own values and passions. From there, we gain clarity around which friends share similar interests with us versus the friends who may be dragging us to activities we don’t even enjoy. And we gain clarity around which friends energize us in aligning with our values and encourage us with consistent support versus “friends” whose philosophies conflict with our own and whose behaviors minimize our opinions and worth. Essentially, time with ourselves motivates us to take stock and prioritize our time spent with others. It invites us to tap into gratitude for those who show up for us with consistency and compassion. We develop appreciation and respect for ourselves, which leads us to attract and maintain friends and partners who do the same.

**** Written for Meridian Counseling by Lauren Levy Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 113813)

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Phone: 857-314-0966

Email: laurenlevymft@gmail.com

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Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)

Employed by: Meridian Counseling, INC