Self-Compassion: the Antidote for Perfectionism?
Self-Compassion: the Antidote for Perfectionism?
Perfectionism on Self
“Perfectionism is just an excuse for self-criticism.” – Sharon Marton
In only some cases, perfectionism is understandably valued. For example, when designing a world-renowned bridge that is safe enough for thousands of people to cross on the daily. But in reality, most of our own undertakings do not require perfectionism. In fact, they are damaged by it, since aiming for perfection is an unrealistic measure of dedication or success.
So…why is it that we strive for perfection with our bodies, our social interactions, our performance at work, and in our relationships? We set impossible standards that only lead us to critically question our self-worth and engage in internal name-calling (i.e. “did I look smart enough?” “ugh, I am so lazy.”) This never-ending pursuit of flawlessness does not yield success, instead, it places us on a fast-track to emotional dissatisfaction and a relentless state of unhappiness. Does this pattern sound familiar to you?
Perfectionism on others
“Perfectionism is a dangerous state of mind in an imperfect world” – R. Hillyer
And if this pattern does sound familiar, striving for self-perfection may also cause you to place unrealistic standards on others. Imposing impossible-to-achieve expectations onto coworkers, friends, or family not only guarantees disappointment and frustration, but it also impacts your ability to trust others or work well in teams. Over time, a growing tendency to avoid collaboration or delegation will leave you overworked, burnt out, and even isolated.
How to combat perfectionism
“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect” – Brene Brown
It’s motivating to demand a certain level of awesome from yourself, but how can you fight off the irrational desire to be absolutely perfect? Self-compassion. Practice it by being wary of how your skill level lines up with your expectations. If it seems genuinely impossible to succeed, lower the bar to reflect reality. Strike a balance, however...you don’t want to lower it too much and over-rely on self-compassion because ‘free passes’ will undermine your resilience and potential; and fail to push you to your limits. Be honest with yourself and find the sweet spot between being challenged and being self-compassionate--where failing is very possible, but so is overcoming adversity. Finding this fair footing will make room for authentic pride and growth.
**** Written for Meridian Counseling by Lauren Levy Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 113813)
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Phone: 857-314-0966
Email: laurenlevymft@gmail.com
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Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)
Employed by: Meridian Counseling, INC