Navigating the Fine Line Between Self-Honoring and Selfish

YOU DO YOU: WHY IT'S OK TO BE "SELFISH" SOMETIMES

When we are told that we are "selfish," there is an automatic feeling that we are doing something shameful. 

Our society sends us contradictory messages. We are an individualistic culture that teaches us to fend for ourselves (The American Dream). While also judging us harshly, when we make decisions that benefit us or put our needs first.

I used to be terrified of being selfish.

In all honesty, it was probably my worst fear.

My whole life, I wanted to be "liked," put my own needs aside for others, and pretend to be OK with my people-pleasing ways... When I wasn't. 

Then this summer happened. 

Therapists are People: Learning from Mistakes and Growing

Everyone tends to look at therapists and think that we have all the answers to life. Clients, friends, and family often put us on pedestals.

I get it... Our job is to give "life advice" and guide people through some of the most difficult and vulnerable moments. 

Let me just say this: THERE IS NO ROAD MAP TOO LIFE. 

Therapists are humans too and we most definitely are not immune to pain, suffering, and utter confusion. We are often sensitive, people-pleasing, empaths who feel too much and were labeled, "the overly dramatic ones," throughout our lives.

That's why we do what we do.... We can't help but feel.

There is nothing more fulfilling than helping a client change their life and watching them overcome challenges.

What many people don't know, one of the hardest parts of this job is applying what we teach our clients in our own lives. For lack of better words: practicing what we preach.

This summer was one of the most difficult of my entire life. When I say my world got "turned upside down," I mean it. Everything I thought I wanted and had, was suddenly taken away and what I pictured for my future was destroyed.

Frankly, I didn't know how to handle any of it.

What I did know, was that I had to permit myself to be selfish, and put myself and my needs first. This was not easy for me. It doesn't come naturally and I didn't know what it would look or feel like, which probably resulted in me making some mistakes and hurting people that I love and care about dearly.  

But, for the first time in my life... I didn't feel the need to beat myself up for it. I realized that my soul had to heal and that it was OK to make mistakes and admit that I am not perfect, nor am I invincible to suffering. 

Of course, there are things that I could have done differently, and it's important to take responsibility for that, however, it doesn't mean that I am: "not enough," "a bad person," or "unlovable."  I am just a human and humans are not perfect.

By allowing myself the space to do what was best for me- I began to heal wounds from the past, that have followed me and held me back from reaching my highest potential. 

These are the top 10 lessons that I learned about “selfishness”:

1.  Your self-worth and value aren't dependent on others’ opinions or perceptions of you.

2. True friends will never judge you- even though they may not agree with your actions.

3. We might hurt people we love but that doesn't mean we are "bad people" or that relationship didn't truly matter to us.

4. You can not plan life... It never will go according to plan. 

5. People you least expect will come out of the woods for you... Let yourself accept their love.

6. Sometimes you have to surrender and just have trust in the darkest of times.

7. The person you think that you are supposed to be and who you are meant to be might be completely different. Try to lean into that realization and be curious about what life is trying to teach you. 

8. People who go through difficult stuff, mess up, learn from it, and get back up are the wise ones. 

9. Never judge anyone for what they do... Because one day that might be you being judged.

10. It's ok not to be perfect, ask for help and be honest when you are struggling. People will not reject you... They may even feel closer to you. 

Healthy Self-Love and Self-Honoring Behaviors

The reason that I wanted to share this more personal post with my followers is because throughout this experience... I have noticed a profound shift in my work with my clients. 

I have felt more connected to them and noticed that therapy sessions are going deeper than ever before. Clients are allowing themselves to be truly seen and vulnerable with me. Three different colleagues of mine also shared that they felt a more authentic, confident, and calm energy from me- even though I was going through so much pain.

All of this helped me realize that we need a new relationship to being “selfish.”

When we permit ourselves to be authentic, imperfect, and vulnerable... It automatically transcends us. It passes into the energy of those around us and unconsciously permits them to be imperfect too.

Being seen in our deepest pain as wounded and vulnerable humans, while not feeling judged or "not good enough." Those experiences are the birthplace of connection. 

My hope in sharing this post is to help readers, other therapists, and clients feel more comfortable embracing their humanity. There are times in life to be selfless and there are times to be selfish... Permit yourself to put yourself first- life isn't easy, but without darkness, you wouldn't know light.

Stop people from pleasing others to be loved or accepted... The people who matter will love you regardless and the rest don't matter anyway.

Lastly, don't apologize for putting yourself first. You can't pour from an empty cup- no one can. 

From my soul to yours,

-Sandra