How To Navigate Difficult Breakups

We have all been there. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, ending a relationship is

never easy. With breakups skyrocketing during the pandemic, there are so many unanswered

questions that are looming in our minds. There are endless “what ifs” that can never be

answered.

Patterns of unhealthy relationships

I found myself turning inward when I began questioning my own self-worth. After a recent

breakup of my own, I felt rejected. Maybe I am just not good enough? Maybe I could have tried

harder to make things work? Truth is, I tried my best and after several years with my partner, I

realized that love alone is not enough. I had heard that saying before but had never really

believed it nor understood it. I was madly in love with a man who I know, to this day, loves me

deeply. However, our life goals just did not align. I wanted marriage and kids and he wanted

neither. We had broken up before but we maintained contact and fell back into a relationship.

Sometimes it is a matter of comfort. Sometimes we are scared to move on. I now realize that

neither of us should be forced to change nor should we feel like we are settling. After numerous

fights and no resolution, I realized that our relationship had become toxic. I felt like I was

walking on eggshells and would get anxiety before having to bring up certain topics. It started to

affect our everyday life and neither of us were happy. When the bad days start to outnumber the

good, it is time to get out. When you start questioning your own worth, it is time to end things.

When your communication is ineffective and ends in an argument, that is a red flag.

What to look for in a healthy relationship

You want to find someone that adds value to your life. You want to feel supported, respected and

loved. It is important to have chemistry, good communication, similar interests but most

importantly, your life goals should align. Where do you want to settle down? Do you want kids?

Do you want to travel a lot? You should feel like you can be your authentic self around this

person and want to be the best version of yourself. You should receive validation and empathy.

You should be able to effectively communicate. Most of all, you should be happy most of the

time. Fights are normal and healthy but it is how you deal with them and resolve them that

dictates a good relationship. According to Gottman, couples that avoid the four horsemen of the

apocalypse, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, are more likely to find

happiness and avoid divorce.

How to manage your emotions post-break-up

We often romanticize our former partners. We remember the good qualities and the good

experiences we shared fondly. We seldom focus on the negative aspects, but after all that is what

ultimately ended things. Sometimes, when we catch ourselves missing our ex and contemplating

rekindling things we should jot down a list of why things didn’t work out. What was it that drove

you apart? Why did things end? Regardless of who ended it, we are usually aware of the

contributing factors. Was it financial differences? Was it infidelity? Was it a lack of intimacy?

Was he/she verbally abusive? Was he/she controlling? Was it bad timing? Once we can pinpoint

what went wrong and why we can answer the important question “Has that issue been

resolved?” If not, why would we consider getting back together? There are several options that

can help with your emotional turmoil: Turn to your friends and family for support. Journaling is

a liberating and effective way to vent. Stay busy. Dive into work, hobbies, volunteer work, or

other productive activities.

How to know when to move on

This has always been a point of debate for people. Some say you should stay single for a certain

period of time (i.e. half the length of the relationship, at least 3 months, or something arbitrary).

Some say the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Ultimately it comes down to

what works for you and the circumstances of the breakup. Maybe you emotionally distanced

yourself for months and you are ready to move on right after. Perhaps you have learned that

having a fling leads you to miss your ex more. I would say, to each their own. There is no right

or wrong answer. As long as you have adequate self-care and self-awareness, this is really up to

you. Word of caution: if you do not know why things did not work out, maybe it is better to take

a step back and try to examine the relationship and your role so you can prevent the same thing

from happening time and time again. For instance, if you tend to get jealous easily, explore why

that is. Was your significant other not providing enough validation? Can you work on building

your self-confidence? What triggers your insecurities? Where did that stem from? The old saying

stands true: You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. What does that

mean exactly? You have to learn to be happy on your own and be independent to some extent. If

you are looking for someone to fill the void or because you need someone, then you are not

ready. You want to find someone that complements you, rather than completes you. You should

feel whole all on your own.

Still struggling?

We can all benefit from therapy, but especially when we are undergoing a transition such as a

painful breakup or divorce. You should never feel ashamed to reach out to a professional. Please

contact us at Meridian Counseling to schedule your consultation.

***Written for Meridian Counseling by: Tamlyn Lee, AMFT Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (124674)

 

INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH TAMLYN LEE?

Contact information:

Phone: (323) 332-9905

Email: tamlyn.lee@meridian-counseling.com

Supervised by: Nancy Le, LMFT (109190)