5-Tips To Master Non-Violent Communication

Conflict resolution is a difficult skill to master. Especially in the context of romantic relationships. It requires a variety of skills and including but not limited to high levels of self-awareness, the ability to recognize and tolerate uncomfortable emotions, the courage to stand up for what you need while simultaneously empathizing with, understanding, and considering your partner’s needs. It also requires a social tact and the ability to communicate said needs in a way such that your partner will receive them instead of encouraging defensiveness. Moreover, it is just as much of an art as it is a science. Effective reactions are different from situation to situation and from person to person.

Having said that, here some guidelines for “fair fighting”. Implementing these strategies will increase the chances of resolving conflict in ways that maximize both people getting their needs met, and minimizes damage to the relationship.

1.  Approach conflict with a spirit of collaboration instead of competition

Our culture often perpetuates the idea that when there is a disagreement, there must be a clear winner and a clear loser. It is a zero-sum game which you can win only by proving that your partner is “wrong”. This approach is completely counterproductive because it invites us to act in behaviors and conflict-resolution styles that damage the relationship, which ultimately results in both people losing.  

One of my old supervisors would always ask couples with high conflict: “Do you want to win, or do you want to be married?” If “winning” the fight is prioritized over creating “win-win” resolutions to conflicts, this will almost always result in short-term satisfaction at the cost of long-term damage to the relationship. This is because healthy relationships require a mutual belief that each partner is safe, compassionate and respects/validates one another’s opinions, beliefs, dreams, goals and experiences- some or all of which are at play in most conflicts.

If you see conflict as an opportunity to problem-solve with your partner, to work together to find better ways of relating to one another in order to help both of you “win”, the chances of creating a “win-win” situation and preserving the health of the relationship increase substantially. Successfully resolved conflict

In order to see your partner as a friend and ally in the conflict, there must already be an established sense of trust. Moreover, each partner within the relationship must have the skills and the courage to be emotionally vulnerable with one another. If any of these ingredients are missing, conflict resolution is unlikely to be productive.

Conflict in the context of a relationship is ultimately about unmet needs. Each partner has a fear that if they do not get their way, the underlying need won’t be met. Fighting, criticism, manipulation, abuse, dishonesty etc. are all ineffective ways of getting one’s needs met. We usually engage in these behaviors because we unconsciously or consciously believe that if we are vulnerable with our partner, they will be unwilling or unable to meet these needs. Therefore, there is a need to coerce them into doing so via “winning” the fight.

The first step to breaking this pattern is to become consciously aware of if you are doing this and to make an effort to stop engaging in this behavior. When you are unable to avoid it, reflect on what happened and what you could do to prevent it in the future.

Outlining a more comprehensive solution to this problem is beyond the scope of this article. For more information on this, I would strongly suggest reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Roseburg.    

 2.  Prioritize validating your partner’s concerns

To validate your partner’s concerns means to listen and acknowledge what your partner is feeling or experiencing as important to you. The goal is to invite them to feel understood and heard. Validating your partner’s feelings does not necessarily mean that you agree with them, nor does it mean that you are agreeing to do what they are asking you to do. It is simply an acknowledgment of their reality and their experience.

Validation is one of the most important techniques in conflicts because oftentimes, it is feelings of being unseen, unheard, and undervalued that prompts intense anger and unhealthy conflict resolution, to begin with. Most people can tolerate disagreements much better if they believe that the other person cares, is listening to them, and has a desire to address their concerns in the solution to the problem.

Validating is fairly simple but not always easy. This is because validation becomes ever more difficult as we start to feel angrier, hurt, afraid, etc. It is only simple to do if we feel relaxed, open, and connected to the person in front of us. Having said that, just like all skills, it can be practiced so that we are more effective at doing it, even if the circumstances are not ideal.

The formula for validation is very simple. Repeat back to the other person what they say to you, or what you believe they mean to communicate in your own words. Validation means avoiding defending yourself, trying to solve the problem, changing the person’s mind, or telling them what you think is right. All those things are also important parts of conflict resolution, but they come after your partner is already feeling validated.

Once you feel comfortable with validation, the next step is to expand the skill to something called “active listening”. Active listening is to not only validate the other person’s perspective, but to try to collaborate with your partner to expand your understanding of not only what they are actually communicating, but also of what the underlying message, unmet need, philosophy, or dream is.

Active listening is done by adopting a nonjudgmental attitude of curiosity toward your partner’s perspective and ideas. Imagine that you are a detective, journalist, or interviewer. Your goal is to understand your partner’s experience for its own sake. The goal is not to refute it or use that information to change their mind. This naturally leads to asking clarifying questions and sharing potential ideas that may create insight for both you and your partner. Doing so from a place of love and genuine curiosity can often help you and your partner find alternative “win-win” solutions to your conflict which neither of you would have thought of if you didn’t understand the underlying belief, idea or fears driving the conflict. This is most obvious when the fights are about something which in of itself is somewhat small or irrelevant, but symbolizes a larger conflict of ideologies.

3.  Be mindful of nonverbal communication

Human beings prioritize nonverbal communication in evaluating the person’s intention much more than they do verbal communication. This is because nonverbal communication is partly or completely unconscious and is, therefore, more likely to be honest. So even if your words say “all the right things”, if your nonverbal communication contradicts them, the person you are speaking to will likely still feel defensive.

Oftentimes, we are completely unaware of small nonverbal signals such as subtle changes in voice tone, eye gaze or posture. Although it is impossible and very inefficient to monitor and micromanage all nonverbal communication, it is certainly of value to consciously pay attention to it, as doing so will likely mitigate a lot of the damage it could otherwise do.

 4.  Work on your friendship outside of conflicts

We often think of conflict resolution as a stand-alone skill that is unrelated to the rest of the relationship. We also often think that the cause of an “unhealthy relationship” is always “communication problems”. The research at the Gottman Institute at the University of Washington suggests that this is untrue. Their research indicates that the foundation of a healthy relationship is a strong underlying friendship. Having a strong underlying friendship greatly influences all the rest of the aspects of the relationship, including conflict resolution. Improving your friendship and a general sense of admiration for one another outside of conflict makes both of you more likely to be charitable and kind in conflicts, to assume the best rather than the worst of your partner, to tolerate criticism more gracefully, to take accountability for mistakes and to empathize and be considerate of one another’s points of view in conflict.

Deterioration of friendship is one of the reasons why some relationships start out with sufficient communication skills and conflict resolution, but cannot sustain them. There are no one-size-fits-all formula for improving the friendship within the relationship. Doing so requires that you take stock of your own relationship and understand what you would need to help foster and grow a friendship.

Having said that, a good starting place is to make sure that you have an updated understanding of who your partner is. This means making sure you know their hobbies, beliefs, hopes and dreams, friends, insecurities etc. Almost all relationships start out with strong friendships because building one is a natural part of the courting process.

Another “quick tip” for improving friendship in a relationship is to create a culture of intentionally highlighting one another’s strengths. Moments in which you appreciate them, what they did, or who they are should be verbalized. For some people, this isn’t intuitive or easy, so just like improving other aspects of the relationship, it can involve intentional and conscious effort.

4.  Take breaks as needed.

In order to facilitate effective conflict resolution, it is usually necessary that both partners be at least somewhat calm. Any emotion that we feel positive or negative distorts our thoughts, and contributes to the temporary shutting down of our prefrontal cortex: the thinking, rational decision-making part of the brain. This process is especially likely to be activated by commonly experienced emotions during fights such as hurt, shame, sadness and anger. As the pre-frontal cortex shuts down, we start to go into fight or flight. Our limbic system or “emotional brain” takes over. Once this happens, our thinking is completely distorted and we see our partner as “the enemy”. Moreover, since the prefrontal cortex is no longer active, we do whatever our instinctive reaction to fight or flight is. If it’s “fight”, it usually results in aggressive language and/or behavior. If it’s “flight” it usually results in avoidance of conversation or refusal to communicate. If it’s “freeze”, it results in “shutting down” and ignoring our partner or pretending they are not there.

Needless to say, none of those responses are productive to conflict resolution. One of my grad school professors once told me that if the feeling we experience is rated at a 3/10 or higher in intensity, this process of distorted thinking has already begun. This is important because it tells us that we don’t have to be “extremely angry” or “going off the rails” for our limbic system to start taking over. The process can begin very quickly and without our conscious awareness.

What is the antidote to this? It’s important to begin to consciously pay attention to when feelings of “being hurt” and/or anger are increasing. And once either partner starts to feel even “moderate” intensity, a “time out” or “taking a break” must be used.

Taking a break is done by letting your partner know that you are starting to feel dysregulated and that you need to take a break. It’s important for you to also say that you are interested in continuing this conversation and that you will return once you have cooled down. Note that this is very different than just walking away angrily without saying anything or “storming out”. The former promotes safety and healthy separation from the conflict as needed, with the explicit goal of effectively resolving the conflict. The latter promotes insecurity, uncertainty, and “power plays” (which is ultimately another form of manipulation).

A time out should last at least one hour, as that is the minimum amount of time the nervous system will take to calm down after going into fight or flight. Feel free to take longer as necessary. Make sure to keep your partner informed if you do.

Overall, it is important to note that there is never a guarantee that conflict resolution will create a perfect resolution. There are also some problems that require many conversations to resolve. Conflict resolution is inherently messy in relationships and there are never any guarantees. Having said that, implementing strategies like the above will significantly increase your ability to navigate relationships in a way that works for both partners.

If this is something you struggle with within your relationships, I would also encourage further more in-depth reading. As previously mentioned, I would start with Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg.

Till next time,

Simeon Simov

***Written for Meridian Counseling by: Simeon Simov, AMFT Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (117648)

 

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