How To Sit With Negative Feelings

Unpleasant or more commonly known as “negative” feelings are often misunderstood and poorly handled in our culture. We are conditioned to believe that it is best to experience as many pleasant or “positive” feelings as possible and avoid negative feelings as much as we can. This principle misguided, because the entire range of our feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant can be of great service to our lives.

 Moreover, we also learn to avoid certain feelings due to cultural conditioning about “what feelings are acceptable” in any given situation. For example, anger is commonly associated with aggression and violence and is thus considered a “bad” feeling to have.  We also learn a lot about what feelings are acceptable from our families. Our parents model and teach us how to respond to our feelings in our formative years. If our parents demonstrate that certain feelings are to be avoided or are unwelcome, we are very likely to pick up on their behavior. Moreover, most families have unwritten and often unconscious rules about how to respond to which feelings, and which feelings are “ok” to feel in which circumstances. Most people will take these unconscious patterns and apply them across all situations in their lives.

 In the past, I used to habitually avoid and felt great shame for experiencing feelings which I associated with being “out of control” or “overly emotional”, because I always considered myself to be someone of great self-discipline and self-control. I equated many of my feelings such as jealousy, anger and anxiety as somehow meaning that I am “weak” or “lack self-control”. This is not true. All our feelings serve a valuable purpose in our lives. When I later learned to acknowledge, accept and experience these feelings, not only did the likelihood that I act them out in undesirable ways decrease, but I found myself better able to make good decisions and navigate the world. I have found that many of my clients have a personal version of the same narrative. For one reason or another, they have learned that certain feelings are unacceptable and must be avoided as much as possible.  

Inspired by these experiences, I am motivated to write this article in hopes that helping the reader gain a greater understanding of what the purpose of our feelings are will help debunk myths that some feelings are “good” and some are “bad”, and that experiencing too many “bad” feelings are an indicator that there is something wrong with them. I also hope that this will help the reader gain the courage to pay attention all their feelings, even ones which we have learned are “bad”.  

I would also like to differentiate between feelings and actions. For example, feeling anger is different from the behavior that is culturally defined as “angry” such as aggression, arguing, fighting, yelling etc. In pointing out this distinction, I would like to make clear that there are certain behaviors that should be avoided in most situations (such as the above). Encouraging you to feel your feelings is in not synonymous with encouraging any particular behavior. The appropriate behavior is subjective to each situation and individual. Feelings are never intrinsically hurtful or destructive. The way we choose to react to them can be.

Feelings are signals about the state of our needs

 Feelings are an indicator of our needs. When we experience unpleasant feelings such as sadness, anger or fear, this is a signal that our needs are not being met. When we experience pleasant feelings such as joy, love or excitement, this a signal that our needs are being met. I would like to note that I use the term “needs” in a very specific way. Needs are not the same as “reasons” we feel an unpleasant feeling. Needs are universal and often unconscious. For example, if my reason for feeling angry is because I got into an argument with a friend, the underlying unmet needs might include; empathy, acceptance, connection, autonomy, meaning, fairness, safety, respect etc. Needs are universal to all humans and are not the same as strategies for meeting needs. For an extensive, but certainly not comprehensive list of needs, click here.

 If we have no conscious awareness of the feeling and thus no understanding of the underlying unmet needs, we default to whatever strategy or behavior will discharge the feeling immediately (e.g. raising our voice if we are angry, or avoiding confrontation if we are afraid). Ironically, it is in acknowledging and owning our feelings that we are left with the space to respond to the situation with intention and effectiveness.

As an example, I used to struggle with allowing myself to feel anger. If someone behaved in a way that triggered feelings of anger, I would use my intellect to find a reason why “it’s okay” that they did whatever they did. Or otherwise, convince myself that “I can’t be angry because…” This was my strategy for avoiding my anger, thus convincing myself that all my needs are met. The problem is that even though I fooled my conscious mind, my underlying needs were still present, and I had cut myself off from my ability to become aware of them.  As a result, I encountered many situations throughout my life where I was unable or unwilling to express what I need from others. I usually ended up allowing myself to be taken advantage of and simultaneously stuffing my anger. Sometimes I blew up, and reacted in the “out of control, overly emotional” fashion that I feared. Most of the time, I turned the anger inward and felt a vague sense of “depression” for no consciously known reason.  Had I allowed myself to feel my anger, I would have been able to reflect on, investigate and understand the unmet needs, and use my intellect and problem-solving skills to respond in a way that meets my needs without hurting the other parties involved.

It is also important to note that our feelings are not facts. Although they are indicators of the state of our needs, it is important that we evaluate them and explore them (compassionately) to better understand them. One of the most common examples of this is in the contexts of fights with close friends, family members or significant others. If we get angry enough, it is common to feel and temporarily believe that the other person is a “bad” person, that they are personally attacking you, and that their perspective deserves no validity. Most of the time, this is false. It is important that we are mindfully aware of these feelings, and to notice that just because we are thinking these thoughts, does not mean that they are true, thus they should not necessarily be acted upon.

All of our feelings are important tools in our toolbox for navigating life. And even if the feeling is unpleasant, it does not necessarily have to be destructive. Even unpleasant feelings can be harnessed for positive change. Anger can be a motivator to change the world, right injustice, protect family and friends from harm, and stand up for one’s self. Jealousy can be a motivator reevaluate and work on a relationship. Fear can be a motivator to step out of your comfort zone and develop courage and assertiveness. Sadness can be a motivator for introspection, meaning-making, and personal growth. Guilt can be a motivation to make amends for mistakes.    

The Consequences of Avoiding Feelings

Unacknowledged feelings are also often the cause of depression, anxiety and other common mental illness. Disowning or avoiding our feelings does not get rid of them. It merely removes them from conscious awareness or temporarily takes our minds off them. Avoiding feelings in a relatively infrequent basis is not a problem. In fact, it is often necessary in crisis situations because if we are too emotionally dysregulated, we will be paralyzed to act. However, using this as a default strategy for all unpleasant feelings is not sustainable in the long-term. Eventually, unacknowledged feelings come up in the form of pervasive and less understood feelings such as long-term “anxiety” and “depression”. They can also manifest in the form of physical pain or tiredness. Research suggests that avoiding our feelings long enough can even result in an earlier death.

If we cut ourselves off from our feelings, we cut ourselves off from understanding what is missing in our lives. We are in essence, missing part of the information necessary to make good decisions and to process the emotional impact of our experiences. Connecting with our feelings also helps us move on from difficult experiences.

Part of the reason why therapy is so effective in helping individuals heal from emotional wounds is that it gives space and creates a culture in which the client is able to acknowledge and express her feelings. Doing so in the context of a compassionate relationship, it allows her to process them and move on from them. A similar dynamic is at play when we consciously and compassionately choose to acknowledge our own feelings. Even if there is no therapist involved, it can be of immense benefit to allow ourselves to experience our feelings without pushing them away or altering them in any way (note: this is not a substitute for therapy! It is only a contributing factor to emotional wellness).  

For example, it can be extremely painful to grieve the loss of a loved one or a break-up. But in allowing ourselves to do so, we eventually adapt to the new reality, and the grief subsides. We usually we even learn valuable lessons in the process. If we avoid the grief, we are stuck with it and it unconsciously causes problems in our lives.  The same concept is true for the entire range of our unpleasant feelings.

 Thus, making space for unpleasant feelings is analogous to doing a difficult workout. In the short-term, it creates stress on the body and may not feel enjoyable. But in the long-term, it has very desirable benefits such as increased wellness, better relationship skills, more confidence and self-acceptance, increased empathy for self and others, and overall increased life-satisfaction.

We cannot selectively avoid our feelings. When I avoided my anger, I also numbed my capacity to feel pleasure, joy, gratitude, and many of my other “positive” or pleasant feelings. One might say that when we avoid our feelings, we lose contact with life itself.  

In acknowledging our unpleasant feelings, we are given an opportunity to gain greater self-awareness, emotional regulation, and find more effective strategies for dealing with life. From a spiritual and philosophical perspective, one might say that when we avoid our feelings, we avoid ourselves. And that is an intrinsically painful experience. Avoiding our feelings often comes from a place of lack of acceptance of those feelings, which in turn means that there is a lack of acceptance of ourselves. Lack of self-acceptance is one of the most acute forms of existential pain. And it is the root of many of our other behavioral and emotional problems.

 So, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Through the fire and the flames, you may find a sense of direction, authenticity, and peace.

 ***Written for Meridian Counseling by: Simeon Simov, AMFT Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (117648)

 

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