Finding Empathy for Loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder          

 You and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, this diagnosis immediately rings alarms for many, typically with a high level of stigma and judgment. BPD traits are usually characterized by tumultuous interpersonal relationships, dramatic mood swings, and manipulative behaviors, including empty threats of self-harm. By that description alone, most people would shy away from working with BPD clients and struggle to even hold a personal relationship with someone diagnosed. However, what needs to be said about clients who hold a true diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is that they are almost always victims of some sort of trauma.

 Hurt People, hurt people.

Borderline Personality Disorders have up to 10x the odds of co-occurring with Post-traumatic stress disorder. Traumas can cause the most “healthiest” of people to begin to question their very core understandings of their self-worth, value and strength. So thru emotional and intellectual work of their own, they have to consistently convince themselves that they are not those altered beliefs. Therefore, those who have experienced some level of trauma has had their emotional resilience tested and stretched during this internal battle. They have a thinner layer of protection and this can cause their emotional regulation to be weak and overused.

 With all that being said, while in a constant battle with their own thoughts, individuals with significant trauma, tend to gravitate to other relationships around them for validation. Further, due to their own internal work, their tolerance and acceptance of others is extremely low. This causes them to be sensitive, impulsive and all around destructive as they try to counter their negative self-thoughts with the fulfillment of others. This means they will push people away when their validation is not being met or even if they feel like they are not being a “good enough person” and then, they will pull people back in, so that they can again fulfill their validation needs. Hence, why individuals with BPD are known for their tumultuous relationships and the push and pull effect in their loved one’s support.

 Treatments

As for treatment, although some medications may support with mood regulation, the truest form of treatment for BPD clients is structured and consistent therapy. It is highly recommended that BPD clients look into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).  However, it is not unheard of that client with BPD burnout their therapist and all their support systems. So how can people close to BPD clients, whether professionally or personally avoid this burnout and continue to support these individuals who have clearly been hurt themselves?

 Empathy

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” Brene Brown’s entire theory of work surrounds the use of empathy for others in order to better support them throughout their mental health recovery. With BPD diagnoses, family members and professionals struggle to support their clients and loved ones without quickly feeling hurt and burned out. By approaching them with empathy you can prove to be supported without overextending yourself.

 Tips for Challenging your Empathy and Responding to your Loved One

1. Set FIRM boundaries: These include emotional, intellectual, and physical boundaries. By modeling appropriate boundaries that feel safe for you, your loved one can work on understanding other’s needs and challenge their tendencies to seek more attention or validation. Healthy boundaries come with saying no or not being available at every second in the day.

2.  Practice walking away and setting time limits: As the tip above suggests, creating boundaries, creates structure. By setting time constraints it normalizes that tough emotions pass, and that emotion regulation is key during a short period of discomfort.

3.  Ask them what their fears are: This kind of questioning allows your loved one to feel heard and supported. It provides them the space to be vulnerable and really identify what the core of their behaviors are coming from.

4. Tell them what you need back from them: Typically, we struggle with BPD loved ones when they are in an emotional state of mind, this means they are not making great decisions and being impulsive. After they have calmed down and are able to ground themselves, tell them what you need from them. Remind them that you have been hurt during this time and are willing to continue to be there for them, but that you too need validation and support. Remember, EVERYONE needs validation at some point, not just hurt people. Let them know what you need. A hug? Kind words? A date night? (Tip: Use your love language to let them know how to BEST help you)

 **NOTE: people can have different traits that are similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, but this does not mean they have said diagnosis.

**** Written for Meridian Counseling by: Jessica Dirk, ACSW Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker (ACSW 81562)

INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH JESSICA?

Contact information:

Phone: (626) 759-4461

Email: jdirks2692@gmail.com

Website: jessicadirkstherapy.com

Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)