How Giving Advice Can Destroy Your Relationships

Why We Are Tempted to Give Advice

“Advice comforts the giver more than the receiver.”

As humans, one of the most common communication temptations we cave to is advice-giving. When someone we care about comes to us with a struggle, we immediately scavenge for solutions and as soon as possible, we offer ✖️unsolicited✖️ advice. 

“Have you tried…?”

 “If I were you, I would…”

It feels like this reaction is motivated by kindness—by the fact that we genuinely want to see people overcome their issues. I mean, we are asking ourselves questions like:

How can I help them? What can I share that will solve this problem for them? What tips will stop their hurting?

Yet, a deeper look reveals that we may not be acting on a completely selfless basis. Instead, self-interest may be driving us into action because the questions we are actually asking ourselves are:

How can I feel like I am doing something? How can I rescue myself from the discomfort of witnessing the hurting of another? How can I alleviate their pain so I don’t feel so powerless in my role of a friend/partner/coworker? How can I disconfirm the scary reality that life can sometimes be helpless?

In short, advice-giving without being asked is mostly about controlling our own comfort level, regulating our own emotions, and protecting our own ego. And nine times out of ten, instead of consoling the receiver, we comfort ourselves.

What Our Advice Implies to the Receiver

Even if we have incredible insight into a friend’s problem or have faced the exact same issue in our own lives, why does immediately giving advice usually miss the intended “fix-it” mark?

No matter how simple or beautiful our proposed solution may be, it usually becomes clouded by the messages that unsolicited advice can imply to the receiver, i.e.

Coming up with a solution for this is a piece of cake → The fact that you’re struggling with an easily solvable problem is silly. (Minimizing Emotional Experience)

My intelligence and creativity led me to this solution → You haven’t tried this yet because you aren’t capable of thinking this way. (Imposing Superiority)

I can quickly understand you and your experience → Your life and problems are easily simplified because you/they are not complex. (Dismissing Individuality)

No, we don’t intend to promote these messages and it’s even possible that following our advice is 100% satisfaction guaranteed

…but can anyone truly listen with clarity if they feel judged, invalidated or incompetent?

In response to feeling like they’re being attacked, resentment and defensiveness are activated and listening skills shut down. 

In the end, not only has your initial goal of addressing a friend’s problem not been reached, but you may have added to their distress since they may feel worse about themselves and maybe fearful about reaching out to their support system in the future.

What We Should Do Instead: A More Effective Response

If you shouldn’t jump to solutions when a friend shares a problem with you, what should you do instead? 

Disconnect from distractions. 

Silence yourself.

Open the floor for their voices.

Listen.

Listen deeply.

Listen without an agenda. without rehearsing your response. without the intent to reply.

Listen with the intent to truly understand what it’s like to be your friend in that very moment. 

• Actively lean in: make eye contact. nod. attend with verbal cues.

• Reflect their perception: paraphrase what they’ve said. Acknowledge by summarizing.

• Remain curious: wait for pauses. clarify with open-ended questions. mind your tone.

• Validate emotions: respect their right to feel. “it sounds like…”. “so, you feel…”

• Elevate hope: offer realistic, positive observations. ask how you can support them.

In just feeling heard, your friend begins to heal.

**** Written for Meridian Counseling by Lauren Levy Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 113813)

INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH LAUREN?

Contact information:

Phone: 857-314-0966

Email: laurenlevymft@gmail.com

Website: laurenlevytherapy.com

Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)

Employed by: Meridian Counseling, INC