How To Identify and Cope With Toxic Family Issues

With the holiday season quickly approaching, some of us prepare to enjoy and bask in the love and companionship of our family; while others struggle with knowing that we must “face the family” again. The difference here is the reluctance to be in our family’s presence and being able to feel good and whole. Many of us dread meeting with our family because of what they can say, do or bring up. Family curiosity and involvement is totally normal and to be expected, but when is the involvement “too much”?

 Toxic family traits or relationships can be hidden as concern or desire to support another family member. Some people are so used to toxic family traits because they have become trans-generational. However, being used to negative behavior never validates that it is acceptable behavior. Toxic people tend to undermine another individual and support their egos.

Toxic traits can look like:

1.         Comparing you and your accomplishments to others in the family.

2.         Getting jealous or overly critical of other’s accomplishments and minimizing them.

3.         Acting like a victim and looking for sympathy.

4.         Always seeking to be correct about any subject matter or having to include their “better” experience.

5.         Passive-aggressive statements. This could be towards you or others around you.

6.         Feeling like the relationship is one-sided.

 Toxic traits are never acceptable and can make family events difficult to attend. This can result in resentment, isolation and reluctance to be a part of family parties. Although uncomfortable there are ways to challenge toxic family members. It takes time to feel comfortable to do so, especially if you are a people pleaser or it goes against your cultural beliefs. There are steps that everyone can take to challenge toxic family members so that you can reclaim your peace and space during family time.

1.         Reevaluate your relationships- This is a first easy step because it can be done on your own. By reassessing what your relationships are within your families, you can typically identify who is being toxic. After establishing who is, evaluate whether or not you need this person in your life or even how often. It is perfectly fine to not like someone in your family, it is not a betrayal.

2.         Be direct and express yourself- Call a family member out! Tell them that you feel uncomfortable or hurt by what they are saying. This will not only cue them into what you are feeling but can be shocking for them. Similar to a playground bully, this individual is looking for a reaction to what they are saying. By standing up to them and speaking from an “I feel” standpoint, you can communicate what you are thinking and wanting from them.

“You are not betraying anyone by speaking your truth. You’re honoring yourself.” -Nedra Tawwab

3.         Set boundaries- Along with expressing yourself and why you feel that way, let your family know what your limitations are. This includes verbal topics, physical space and even time boundaries. Remind your family that his comes from a place of respecting yourself and your needs and others.

“It’s okay to be different from the other people in your life.” -Nedra Tawwab

**** Written for Meridian Counseling by: Jessica Dirk, ACSW Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker (ACSW 81562)

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Phone: (626) 759-4461

Email: jdirks2692@gmail.com

Website: jessicadirkstherapy.com

Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)